Mama Undead's Thoughts and Feelings ~ ʕ•́ᴥ•̀ʔっ♡

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UndeadEyes

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~ Today's Topic ~
Dating: Sparks and 'Them' problems

So, as a single woman, I do a lot of dating (less than I used too, but I'm learning not to settle). Haven't had a lot of legit relationships in my life...
Today, I went on a date and the guy says I'm kind, attractive, we vibe in humor, but he cannot see a long term relationship with me. Cool. Fine. That's how life is.

However, I never understood this idea or pressure we put on ourselves to 'spark' on a first date. You do not have to fall in love on a first date. You do not have to fall head-over-heels on a first date. You need to look at them and go "They tick a lot of boxes, nothing is fundamentally telling me they are wrong for me, so let me try another date or two with proper communication and see if things DO spark".

Love and affection takes time for most people. Many people fall for each other after initially never having wanted to be together because they actually get to know one another--shocking concept, I know. We cannot learn about a person or truly feel them as a person in an hour of sitting across a table from one another.

It just a little tired of feeling like I have to sum up and fake who I am in one hour to make people like me...

With that said, I am also reminding myself that rejection is not a me problem. It's a THEM problem.
I am not mean. I am not rude. I am friendly. I am attractive (so I am told and should believe). Etc.

If there is something someone doesn't like about me on a date, it's not really about me. I haven't done anything wrong. Don't like my playful humor? Don't like how I look? Don't like my voice? Well, that's a THEM problem. I wasn't rude. I wasn't mean. If who I am isn't good enough for them, that's on them.

Is there something wrong with not feeling you mix with someone? No. Not at all. However, if they aren't being rude or mean, etc., then we cannot blame them. That's on us.

So, I feel I need to move forward reminding myself that it's not me--it's them.
 
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UndeadEyes

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~ Today's Topic ~
Sapiosexual...and why I hate it...

So, a lot of people throw the whole 'sapiosexual' thing around these days.
For people who don't know, it means you're attracted to intelligence.

Ever since I learned of this, I have HATED it...or maybe I just hate the way it's defined by most people.

First of all, the idea of being attracted to intelligence is already skewed because I've never heard someone say "I'm attracted to dumb-asses" outside of abusers and people who want to trick others--but that's not really attraction. That's a whole different ballpark of wrong.

Second, what exactly defines intelligence?
For instance, if someone not in med speaks to me about my job, I sound very intelligent for my field.
If I talk to a doctor or someone with many more years in my field, I'm about standard for the field.

Some people will define intelligence by if I can talk about movies and trivia... I cannot.

Intelligence isn't defined for this sexuality.

In reality, what we often enjoy as people is a partner who is at our level of intelligence or higher with mutual respect. No one wants that smart partner who looks down on them for not being on their level. It allows us to have someone on our playing field who can keep up...

I am open to many things, sexuality wise and beyond. This is one of the few that I have trouble with and do not feel is actually a legit thing unless the person is literally ONLY attracted to geniuses.

Honestly, I am turned off by men who say they are sapiosexual because it just feels like there is now this unneeded pressure on me to somehow live up to their unrealistic expectation of what 'intelligence' is to them. I'm intelligent in the fields I know. I'm intelligent in the hobbies I know. I may not, however, be intelligent in the fields they deem to be the ones that decide my intelligence.
 
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UndeadEyes

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~ Today's Topic ~
Active Participation in Roleplay.
Give as much as you take.

I have touched on this topic before, but I recently had my muse drowning again due to running into the same problem over and over in the couple roleplays I have had going. Now, I love my partners, but I do not love when they begin to take my creativity without giving me any back.

Part of roleplaying is actively keeping up with the story and adding to it, but many people become too comfortable only responding to the story and not adding to it.

If I'm creating and playing multiple characters, all of whom interact with my partner's character, but my partner never once makes more characters to interact with mine, even if just an NPC, that's a problem.

If I'm the one creating every scene for every monster that attacks both our characters at random and they never once decide to create their own to attack mine, that's a problem.

If my partner's idea of adding to the story is doing an action that literally my char can solve in two words or one small action, that's not adding.

Adding is going; "Hey, let me create this monster who tries to kidnap/seduce her char away from mine".
Adding is going; "She's playing three characters right now interacting with us, maybe I should take one on as well or create some too."
Adding is ensuring that not every scene or conversation is a direct result of my creation.

If the scene only happens because of my guide, that's bad.
If all the NPCs only exist because I created them, that's bad.

If my partners aren't posting things to create scenes and scenarios, they aren't adding.

They are taking my creativity and not giving any of their own.

If every scene is a scene created by me...that is a problem.

Create scenes for your partner to respond to. Create NPCs for your partner to interact with. Create dialogue for your partner to respond to.

Don't just follow. Learn to guide.

This doesn't mean light a torch and burn away the plot or concept, but open your mind to little side stories you can create to add to the adventure.

Give as much as you take. Otherwise, your partner may burnout.
 
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UndeadEyes

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~ Today's Topic ~
Service Dog Laws (calm rant)

As some users may know, I have a service dog for med-alert and PTSD.

I don't need her often these days as my meds make my medical issue far less likely to trigger (I'd end up in the hospital when they used to trigger) and just having her near me at night has reduced my night terrors. Nonetheless, she is a service dog still because she can still help me when it's required and this means she can go with me into stores, on planes, etc.

Because I'm more stable these days then I used to be, I don't take her with me a lot for quick store runs. Right now, we don't do any training due to her leg injury (torn ACL). However, when her leg was healthy, from time to time, I'd vest her and take her with me to train to ensure she didn't forget the rules despite not going out often. She knew the vest meant working and things usually would go very smoothly. The worst situations we ever faced was her slipping on a newly waxed floor (not her fault) and getting momentarily cautious of cold blowers at the entry of a cold section at Costco (going back out she didn't hesitate).

She ignores people, stays close up on my side (her lead is only 16 inches at longest and I use two to ensure her had and body are both connected to me). We use sounds, tongue clicks, and very specific wording. For example, if she lowers her head because the floor has a smell on it (meat juice or something), I say "Head Up". This tells her to bring her head back up. If she looks at something, such as a child who shrieks, I say "Focus" and she is to return her attention to me.

Service dogs are still dogs. They are animals. It's why the ADA gives us the ability to correct them and give them some leeway when it comes to minor mistakes. Heck, a service dog provoked to bark or barks because it's startled is allowed to be corrected by the handler immediately. As long as it obeys, the law doesn't care.

Why do I say all this? To explain I know the laws. I have sat down and read over the ADA (American's with Disability Act) multiple times to familiarize myself with the rules and to ensure I am up-to-date with any changes.

So, imagine my frustration when I see people, usually online, fighting about service dog laws and how little people know. Those without service dogs I can understand only going on what they've been told or see on sites that are no the ADA.

It's the people who claim to be handlers of service dogs who say false facts that bug me.

For example, a big one I see is: "I have a service dog! A store cannot ask me if s/he is a service dog or any other questions!"

Reality? That's incorrect. The ADA directly addresses this.
The facility you take them two may ask two questions along these lines: 1 ) Is this a service dog required due to a disability? (Yes or No). 2 ) What tasks or work has this dog been trained to perform? (Vague answers such as Med Alert, Guiding, Mobility, etc).

What they cannot ask, for instance, if I say 'med alert' is to ask what medical condition I have. That's not allowed.

Here is the reason WHY these 2 questions are allowed...

#1 : A service dog is only a service dog when it is WITH its disabled handler or a trainer who is teaching it (may vary state to state on the second part). If, for instance, my mum had my dog with her because I had to go or do something where I thought it best not to take her (Carnival, the zoo, etc)., my mum cannot then take her into a store and claim 'service dog'. She isn't my mother's medical equipment and, in that instance, is not working. To my mother, she is a pet. To me, she is my medical equipment.

#2 : This one is, really, a question designed to trick people. Majority of people will answer this question with "Emotional Support". Well, sorry, a Emotional Support Dog is NOT a service dog.

The difference? An Emotional Support Dog is not trained beyond basic manners. It's there to provide comfort merely by existing. In that realm, all animals can be seen as emotional support.

A Service Dog has to be trained to perform a physical task. For example, when my service dog senses my immune system preparing to attack my body and organs, she walks over and leans into me and will not go away. This is her saying "Stop whatever you're doing, you're about to start vomiting for the next 12 hours." When we were on a road trip, I started feeling off and let her out to pee. When I was ready to get back in the car, she walked over and sat on me (first time she'd ever done that in the many years I had owned her). While I start to ask what she's doing, I suddenly begin vomiting. I end up in the hospital in a different state for over 12 hours and even they struggled to stop the vomiting/dry heaving.

Some service dogs bark at their owner when the owner is about to have a seizure, will paw at them to tell them to lay down, etc. It has to do a physical task beyond just 'existing' to be touched.

Real service dog owners have a lot of issues because people with fake service dogs or no knowledge about them continue to spread misinformation or fake them to have their 'precious baby' with them at all times. My service dog has been attacked in a store (thankfully by a much smaller dog). She's been lunged, barked and snarled at walking through an airport by dogs in 'service dog' vests. Faking a service dog is a federal offense.

It's...troubling. It's tiring. It's just annoying.

Due to age and injury, my girl is likely to retire in the next couple years. Service dog owners need to know the laws and their dog's limitation.
People without real service dogs need to respect the laws and not pretend to own them.
 
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UndeadEyes

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~ Today's Topic ~
Roleplaying Mood-Killer/s

I've been roleplaying for...far too long. Yes, I'm old.
These days, I find my number one mood-killer has become when multiple partners begin vanishing (or ruining) the roleplays we have going around the same time. Now, this is not a "They politely backed out and I we went on our way", but the "vanish out of nowhere from the RP and the site and never comes back'.

I swear, this drains my energy. It's also, usually, always the partners of the roleplays I am enjoying the most. I completely understand that things happen and people need to step away. I just wish they could throw a "Hey, I need to take care of things IRL and will be gone for (a time frame)". This can at least give me an idea if they will ever be back.

What's worse is that the majority of time this happens, it's not just one partner vanishing. It's one, then another, and then another. When it all hits at once, it burns my brain and I feel like I need a reboot.

The other thing that wears me down and kills my mood is when too many roleplayers start a story with me and then ruin it by changing important pieces of the roleplay that cannot be changed. For example, if a roleplay requires a evil man to force my girl into doing a task (let's say, helping his wicked cause), and they decide, on their own, to play him nicer because they don't feel they can play him that evil (and failed to mention this ahead of time), the RP is then no longer the RP because I play my characters as intended. If your char doesn't use leverage to make her obey, she won't. She will just walk away or just realize there is no threat and shrug off the request.

I play my characters as they were created for the RP. I won't change them for sudden changes in the plot or opposing char when my partner fails to read the plot or decided not to ask if something was okay prior. ' I ' end up looking like the asshole because I do this, but, as I tell them, I'm still roleplaying the plot as described. They went somewhere else outside the plot and it does not work with the story, so, I'm moving forward with the plot without your char. If you cannot adjust and return to the plot, then the RP is over.

I am not going to adjust my plot/char to you when you give me no warning you want it done. I love plot twists and turns in the story that I don't expect to happen, but NOT when the entire plot changes because of it. Not when the opposing char, who needs to be a certain way for the plot to work, is suddenly someone else.

Either way, I'm in the reboot phase in my brain. After a few days, I'll likely need to find some new roleplays and hope they can spice up my brain and interest again.
 

UndeadEyes

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~ Today's Topic ~
Why I Won't Use Character Sheets

So, I know a lot of people use character sheets and I can definitely see how they can be valuable, especially in group roleplays.
However, for me, who really only does 1 x 1's (outside the Open World forum), they are almost 100% useless to the cause of the roleplay.

The reason I believe this is because our characters are, likely, only just meeting. This means, nothing you tell me in that character sheet is relevant to my post, my information, etc. The most I can gain from it is how the character looks if a photo is used, but only if I am approaching/describing him in my own post, which I am likely not doing for the majority of the roleplay.

When I post my own character's image, I post it with my opener, where most of the relevant info will be anyways, so why do a character sheet?

The only situations where I'll use a character sheet for a 1 x 1 is if it's the bare bones minimum (you learn nearly nothing) or a more detailed one that is used SOLELY because our characters already know one another incredibly closely from the very start--think a roleplay based on two adults who grew up together.

I understand that my frame of mind isn't the normal, but this is how I feel about character sheets and, generally, why I don't use them.

I tell my partners that I won't stop them from making/posting one for their own reference but I won't read it. I will glance at the character image at most and move on.

Perhaps I'm weird, but I prefer to learn your char in the roleplay if the info isn't a necessity to the roleplay to run correctly. Anything of 'would this be okay?' can be asked vs seen and argued in a character sheet.
 

UndeadEyes

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~ Today's Topic ~
Controversial: Friend vs Flirting

As a woman with a healthy mix of female and male friends, I find it interesting how men will assume my contacting them is 'flirting' when it's the same contact I give all others. For example, I was speaking with numerous friends yesterday about my new bathing suit purchase (it's a little sexy, but more than full coverage)... It's more unique than anything, cute enough to be appropriate and covers enough I'd still wear it around my mum.

Anyways, come today, bikini has come, I take a photo in it, show those same people. One guy, who I am more recently acquainted with, writes back "You're such a flirt, if you wanted me to ask you out, you just had to ask and make some time."
Me: "That's not the intention, but thank you."

He calls me later in the day to say "Ground rules, if you want to go out, sexy images are fine. If you want to just be friends, don't send them as I don't want to create a middle ground/grey area."

I just say okay and then, upon hanging up, delete the messages with him and now will 100% leave it to him to contact me should he wish to chat, but my guess is the friendship will now die. Now, had the photo been, you know, actually sexual, private, etc., then yes, I get it. However, when it's the same photo I'm showing other people, ...how is that flirting?

If he's THAT attracted to me and it's an issue, he could easily say; "Hey, I find you attractive and I feel photos like these won't be good for me if you just want to be friends."

Because, see, male or female, I trust my friends not to assume my intentions. I say this as a bisexual woman. My lesbian and bisexual friends don't assume it's flirting if I go "LOOK! NEW BATHING SUIT!" Literally with no previous conversation about it and send a photo. They will just give me compliments, ask where I got it, or make a flirty joke for fun.

Men I know, who are friends with me, will compliment me and let it go. They don't assume it's flirting and we move on.

As a woman, it's not my job to control a man's assumption because, as it stands now, I see that I cannot be 'me' around him. As a person who does lingerie modeling, welp, now my hobby is flirting. Oh, want to go to the beach? Ah, sorry, that bikini would make you think I'm flirting with you. Cook you dinner? Sorry, you may construe that as me saying I like you.

If a woman trusts you, especially as a man, to see her in a more vulnerable state (bikini, new dress, etc) for your opinion, it doesn't automatically mean she's flirting with you. It means she trusts you enough to show you said picture.

Then again, as a woman, I should have known better, right? Just smiling and being kind to someone is CLEARLY a sign of interest and not just me being a nice and kind person by nature.
 
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UndeadEyes

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~ Today's Topic ~
Female Health Care (or lack there of...)

Doctors and women do not get along. We are often dismissed and ignored. If we're not screaming in pain, we must not be that hurt. If we are, we're emotional and on our periods. I am growing more and more annoyed by doctors ignoring my health.

Recently, I had knee pain that was sharp and painful. A pain I am familiar with due to an old injury (and one that goes away after a week or so of meds and bracing). Well, it didn't go away this time, which was a red flag. Then, I had to help carrying a 40lb dog downstairs (lighter than my massage table I carry for work). As soon as I took the first step and full weight went onto that knee, I felt something ripping apart inside and the pain overwhelmed me.

Had I been able to think, I'd have adjusted to my good leg and turned to set the dog down above me on the steps, but the pain was so intense I couldn't. I was scared of dropping the dog and barely got to the bottom before I collapsed (with said dog) to the floor. I couldn't get up for over 5 minutes due to the pain.

The first two doctors I see (female) are casual about it (fine, since there wasn't any extreme bruising or lack of ability to use--just not comfortably). There had been signs of a tear though, for I had bruising in a straight line down my tibia and pooling in the back near my LCL.

The first doctor wanted to send me to an ortho ASAP fearing I tore my meniscus. Sadly, the ortho never picked up and, as I know now, wouldn't have mattered as my insurance won't accept referrals from urgent care. I see a doctor in network and she also believes I may have torn my meniscus and sends me to Sports Medicine to get a second opinion.

The male doctor here, ignores EVERYTHING I said and, in his notes, wrote; "Was carrying her dog downstairs and fell". Uh? No?
Ignored all my symptoms (bruising had cleared by then as it'd been a month since my injury). He decided, without any testing, I just had a 'fat impingement' in the knee. I likely do, but that doesn't cause internal bleeding and usually comes with other injuries.

He states we can get an MRI, but insurance will likely require 6 sessions of PT first (that can take 2 to 4 months to complete, which could hurt my knee more as I don't take care of the issue). I try to state I could probably pay to get my MRI faster and he just waves me off telling me not to and blah blah--as if I couldn't possibly be able to pay for the MRI.

In the end, he sends for the MRI and prepares for the PT if required.

No one has called me yet about either or, so...

He then just gives me the paper and leaves. Doesn't tell me how to tend to my knee in the mean time. Just hands paperwork and leaves. Not even a goodbye.

With help of my boyfriend, we made a lot of calls and got that referral sent over to a new place (an actual ortho, not a sports medicine doctor) and they wanted me in ASAP, so they have me going in on Friday the 30th (would have been sooner, but the doctor was away).

Note: To know if you have a fat impingement, also known as Hoffa, you can do a Hoffa test. My boyfriend performed it about 3 times or so and we never got a confirmed result. Even if we had, the tests flat out say to be sure it's not a meniscus or ACL tear before proceeding...

Yeah, I'm tired of hurting and wearing a brace all the time.
 
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UndeadEyes

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~ Today's Topic ~
Female Health Care (or lack there of...)
Part 2

Safe to say, the saga continues, but no longer the knee. Even so, let's update on the knee.

MRI said nothing was wrong, but when a PT I hired to come to my house arrived, she noted the severe pain in my patellar tendon and that my fibular joint was locked up. In short, it was discovered I put a partial tear in the tendon (explains the bruising down the front of my leg). Due ot the sudden injury, the fibular joint locked up, as it tends to do under stress/injury.

So, weeks of PT later, that's all good and healed now. We began working on my hip that was getting worse and worse...and worse...

I assumed, correctly, I had bursitis. However, in the time it took to finally have insurance and see a spine doctor, the pain was changing and becoming worse. I was having trouble standing. I would have to sit back down due to pain if I didn't use my hands or arms to get up. The new doctor was...not great. He only wanted yes or no answers, his time clearly more important than my pain, and I generally felt horrible around him (may have cried during or after every time I spoke with him).

He gets the MRI ordered. Great!

The MRI shows:
  • Two bulging discs​
  • One Herniated disc​
  • One Pars Defect (Fracture in my spine)​
  • Bursitis of the greater trochanter (as expected)​
  • And then a growth in my kidney, but that's not a big deal as it's likely a cyst, but I'm having it checked out soon enough.​
Now, with all that, clearly, it's obvious why I'm in pain, right? That's a lot of damage for a complex of the body to be under at one time. However, I know something was missed. My hip just keeps hurting and the bursitis pain is going down but the deep pain (best I can describe it is rubbing/grinding) is getting worse. He won't listen to me, so we just schedule the injection for the bursitis...

Injection happens the next day. It is less than fun, but I've had worse.

Now, here is where our issue lies.
He says to me, "Your pain doesn't match what we see on the MRI." Okay, so I know, as a woman, this is code to "Your pain isn't real" and/or "you must be mistaken about your pain".
I was right, because he tells me "I think you just need internal pelvic floor PT". For those who don't know, that is when your PT (Physical Therapist) is going to get to know your vagina quite well. Fingers and items get inserted to teach you how to tighten/relax your pelvic floor.
I try to say I don't think that's what I want to do (as it makes no sense), but he won't listen.

He leaves the room, I try to get my pants back on and am hit with such horrible pain that I collapse and break down in tears. I manage to get out of the room, to the lobby, tearfully told the women 'no' when they asked if I was okay, and somehow managed to get home where I collapsed from that same pain trying to get up the stairs and my service dog is trying to sooth me because she doesn't know how to help.

I knew something worse was going on. The shot helped with the bursitis, but the deep 'grinding' pain is still there. I refused to do the follow up with the doctor.

I finally, after over a month, met my new PCP.
When talking with the nurse, I explained what the other doctor said I needed and she went quiet, closed her eyes, inhaled, shook her head and said calmly "You run from that doctor".
When I said it to the doctor, he paused and asked "Why?" He continued to loudly question why he (the other doctor) thought that would help me, how that might be right if we were talking pain with intercourse, but that's not what this pain is. He also said to leave that doctor.

He's referred me to a new doctor and he thinks it might be a nerve impingement or damage to a muscle/ligament.
My guess is possible arthritis.

In the end, I really don't care WHAT it is as long as it can be fixed and I can get back to my normal life without pain.
 
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UndeadEyes

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~ Today's Topic ~
Female Health Care (or lack there of...)
Part 3
The Good Doctors

So, I met my new spine doctor today.
Not only did he close his eyes and apologize to me for having to go through the last spine doctor's sexist dismissal, he actually seemed like he wanted to figure out what's wrong.

While he did say one of the things I didn't want to hear; "I don't know what's wrong with your hip", he at least followed it up with, "So, we'll do an X-Ray, some diagnostic testing and a lidocaine injection, and we'll get you into another session of PT specialized for your hip and go from there."

As much as I hate to say it, I had to bring a male friend to this appointment to ensure I got quality care. However, I think this doctor cares more than the others because of two factors (and I do not mean to be racist sounding), but he was young and black. Now, by this I mean...

When a doctor is young, they still are excited to learn, want to help people and aren't so full of themselves they won't just admit they don't know the answer. He was very kind and seemed to want to help.

Being black, he likely is more aware of the sexism and racism that runs rampant in the healthcare system.

I hope this initial impression I have of him, as being a good doctor, continues.

He speculates I may have something called FEI (Femoroacetabular Impingement Syndrome), which can occurs when the bones of the hip joint are not shaped properly, causing them to rub against one another. This is common in people 20 to 45. The X-ray we took is to rule out OA (osteoarthritis).

At this point, I don't care why it's happening, I just want us to find a way to stop it. Hopefully, we're on the right course of action.
 

UndeadEyes

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~ Today's Topic ~
The Mysterious Hip Pain


Okay, so, to start, if you want the video version of this, here you go:
Part One
Part Two
Part Three
And subscribe to get alerted to future updates on my channel.

Alright, so let's jump right in.

The X-Rays showed a negative on the FEI. So, my new doctor and I went forward with the lidocaine injection directly into the hip. For about 1.5 days, my pain was greatly reduced, but mostly reduced for the first 4 to 8 hours. He asked for me to go to PT and see what they say, that we'd work together to find out the cause of the pain.

So, immediately, I like this guy. he's not dismissing me and he's wanting to help.

Due to the injection, we waited until my third PT to do full ROM (range of motion) tests and stress tests on the hip. When applying pressure to the hip joint to test the labrum, I got two positive (very painful positives) results. My PT is rather certain (cannot diagnose) that I have a labrum tear and that my last MRI should be reread by someone else.

If that doesn't get us results, I may need an MRI with contrast (this helps show labrum tears better than no contrast MRIs). Here's the real shitty thing though--upwards of 20% of all MRI's for hip labrums are false negatives. In short, it's there, but the MRI struggles to pick it up.
My PT is sending my doctor what he thinks is the pain because, while the doctor said we'd come back together after 6-weeks of PT, if it's a torn labrum, there's not much we can do besides try to keep me moving just enough so the hip doesn't get stiff.

However, it's getting worse and worse. It's hard for me to even sit in a position that used to not hurt it (CrissCross). Getting out of bed and turning over in bed is getting harder.


Hip Labral/Labrum tears cannot heal on their own. They require surgery for full healing and, due to the amount of pain I am in, there won't be many options for me if it is a tear.

If that wasn't bad enough (possibly needing surgery), the surgery would mean I cannot work for 4-6 weeks (maybe longer) as my job requires me to be on my feet, bending, lifting, applying downward pressure, etc. This means, I'll probably have to pay like thousands out for a surgery...and then not be able to work.

No time like the present to work on my Twitch Career (this is sarcasm--I'm not entertaining enough for that lol).

Welp, wish me luck as I continue to wait for answers and results.
 
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